he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
