he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
