so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
