Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
