Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
