just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
