does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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