I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am available for nakedness
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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