every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
