ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
