if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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