I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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