I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
