This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
