ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
