He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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