drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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