idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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