So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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