I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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