i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
