I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
