I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
