I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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