There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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