Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
