I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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