Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
