Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
