Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
