Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
