I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
