I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Im part way to drunk.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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