So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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