I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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