I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
