Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
