He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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