My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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