if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
