he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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