I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
