Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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