Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
