Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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