dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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