I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sext me about skeletons
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
