I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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