I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
