atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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