and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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