to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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