Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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