she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
