After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
