ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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