Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
