I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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